Enlightenment

Humanity has struggled over many years over many things, almost all of which were completely insignificant. Petty issues like orthodontics, religion, lunchtime, or which country to obliterate have distracted us for a long time, and will continue to do so. We as people could have simply enjoyed life all this time, yet we decided it was better to consume our time with complete distraction.

When I say distraction, I mean there is so much unfinished business in our little world… and I don’t see the important things started so long ago ever getting finished just so long as we keep distracting ourselves and inventing new ways to divert ourselves further.

It’s very true to state as a fact that humans have a very short attention span. Our life spans are for several decades, and a lot of things are wasted in that timespan. When you add such needless distractions as love, government, family, and religion then it’s no wonder that everyone simply lost interest working on the answer to the big question and somehow ended up with over 16 types of peanut butter in any given grocery store shelf. What is amusing is then we ask ourselves ‘How did we get 16 types of peanut butter’, we go even more off track trying to find THAT answer. Once that is solved, no doubt we will ask what can be done about it, which is the one best peanut butter, and what do we do with all the other peanut butters.

If you don’t know what question I am talking about by now, it’s only proof that you – the reader – already forgot what you were supposed to be thinking. To be fair, I have not even given you much of a hint of the question, but rest assured once you read it you’ll say “hey that’s right, I heard that before”.

Why are we here?

So that’s the big question that mankind forgot to be working on as a collective. Sure, we still have some guy in a loincloth on top of a mountain working on it – but you notice nobody is really helping him out. Hell if you ask me, he – like me – has the answer.

That’s right – I have the answer! Not only do I have the answer, but I am not going to tell you what it is. Now, I already can assume your disbelief, anger, or even hostility at my decision to not share it; do YOU understand why you feel those negative feelings? Hell, you already forgot what the big question was! Almost everyone lost interest eons ago, with little petty distractions. May I remind you how right I am by pointing out not only do we have roughly 16 types of peanut butter, but we have over 32 types of non-electrical facial shaving devices at the store – and they are already promising a new one that can cut the hair under your skin without requiring a trip to the Emergency Room? Has nobody stopped to think “do we really need the Quad Razor Shavor?”

Now you have a new Question… “how did he know that?”. STOP distracting yourself with more questions and just pay attention already! From here on out – stop thinking questions to detract yourself, just read. Got it?

So, about that answer….

What I will tell you is the answer is surprisingly simple. What I also need to tell you is the truth; it’s not that I’m not going to tell you, but it’s impossible for me to tell you. By now you asking “are you pulling all this out of you butt” to which I reply I told you to stop thinking of new questions and simply pay attention I the last paragraph – and you didn’t listen, which proves how distracted people can make themselves.

I can not take self responsibility for my inability to deliver this answer though; I am a victim of society of the past several thousand years. I would not be a humanitarian demanding compensation, but a social protagonist if I tried to simply make do with what I have at my disposal today.

The main problem is that the words to express the answer simply do not exist at this time. The words will not exist anytime soon just so long as we continue to live in a state of total distraction and chaos. What’s even worse is none of the languages today are the correct one to fully disclose the truth – they all lack the exact words simply because we didn’t focus on one true method of communication to start with so many eons ago. Hell, I’m at least several languages away from correctly stating the answer – as everyone knows English is by far the most retarded language with it’s own set of ever changing rules!

I am not the only person with the answer. I think that hermit guy that sits on top of a mountain in a loin cloth has it all figured out. He keeps answering questions in riddles and whatnot, because he knows that he lacks the right words. He’s not upset, he’s sitting around and waiting for the correct language to be established and he’ll be happy to get back to all of us. He’s already one step ahead not speaking English.

I have as much hope as to express the words clearly enough to you so that you may completely understand them as an ant has a chance to tell us why they recommend against cheese on absolutely anything. Hell now your asking “What do you mean, cheese taste GREAT on a variety of things!”. I agree with you, hell I love cheese on nachos. But that’s not the point – the point is once again you’re asking questions.

Rest assured the answer is clear to the question Why are we here, and from this day on I will live life in a new light and I pity those wondering when and if they are going to improve upon one the 45 types of toothpaste.

05 05 05

You know how sweet it is to be an accountant today? The date is May 5th, 2005. That means I get to write and type "05 05 05" on all sorts of stuff! Deposit Slips, Payment Stubs, Invoices, post-it notes, ANYTHING! There is only one day in my entire lifetime this happens and its TODAY! Thank God its not Saturday or Sunday, I would not enjoy it as much. Damn - I wish I did all those tax forms today instead of earlier this week. At least June 6th 2006 is on a Tuesday, I marked my calander !

Confessions

Since I am quitting Stratics and Ultima Online soon, I felt it's best to spill all the beans. Heck, everything is in motion now, so it's not like anyone can talk me out of it.

Joshua Rowan does not exist. He is a script written by myself with collaboration from the folks at Easy UO. This is why we always seem to agree on things - and folks that have seen our pictures notice how much we look alike - hellooooooo photoshop!

Third, I am not sleeping with Binky OR Wilki. I am sleeping with Binky AND Wilki. This is only because Hanse and Oaks rejected me for girls. Their Loss.

Third I am not really married and with kids - I am 41 years old and live with my parents still.

I love to wear womens clothing and have intimate relations with fruits and vegetables on webcam to pay for my drug habit.

Just about everything Everything Tiffany Case has ever said is absolutely true. She knows me by my 'other' name, Draconi.

I am the Nigerian Banker/Prince/Businessman/Fisherman/Trustee/Widow/Pimp. CAPS LOCK IS MY SECRET IDENTITY.

Things I'm Thankful For

1.) Family Guy is coming back next year.
2.) DVR on my Dish Network System.
3.) Big Black Steeltoe boots that keep me from hurting myself when I walk into things.
4.) Testosterone that makes me want to screw anything just like when I was 19.
5.) Locking my age in at 29 last year so I can turn 29 again next month.
6.) Pornagraphy.
7.) Midgets to make me laugh.
8.) My friend David that taught me the funnyness of Midgets that relates to #7.
9.) My daughter the tomboy who goes fishing with me.
10.) My wife who likes fast cars, sci fi, video games, and spicy food.
11.) To live in a country where you can find fine swiss chocolates in a crappy run down gas station.
12.) To live in a city where we have Queso.
13.) To have a big ass TV where the people across the street can watch with us.
14.) Women that go Wild.
15.) Darwin Awards that make me believe Natural Selection is still at work.
16.) Dolts that go on a crusade and wage war against me on the internet in their spare time.
17.) Steak.
18.) My son who likes to spend hour with me in the Home Depot Tool Department.
19.) The Internet

There's more, but I'm thankful I have something better to do now.

The way I see it...

Everyone loves the Buffet. All sorts of foods all in one place, and there is literally no effort to stuffing yourself without knowing it because you want to sample it all! Not only that, but more and more Buffet places are opening up.
However, has anyone ever stopped trying to satisfy their culinary lust beast for one minute to try and think what may be going on? I got on Google the other day, and started searching, and found something very disturbing - I could NOT confirm anyone credited to inventing the Buffet. True, I assumed Warren Buffet because the guy is so damn rich and Buffets are so popular, but it seems that's just coincidence.

So while I sat there wondering why something to great is without much information, I began to think.
What do Buffets do ? I mean, besides feed us and open us up to many taste and help those indecisive fools from keeping the rest of the group from eating? Easy, they make us FAT. You don't have to pass remedial logic to understand that Buffets make it so easy for people to get fat and too tired to work out afterwards.
Ok, so the facts are nobody is credited for inventing the buffet and that buffets make us fat. There's only one other creature I know for a fact that is in our predictament - COWS. They don't know where the food comes from, but they can't help it, and they eat it all, and they get fat.
So now you know where this is going so let me just get it out.
Aliens are cunningly fattening up us Humans, so at the right time we can he harvested. Well, if not aliens, then elite Cannibals, but honestly who ever heard of a Secret Cannibalistic Organization ? That's preposterous.
So anyway, you are wondering why the aliens are taking so long in harvesting us? Well for one thing only 37.5% of the world has buffets. However, they are cropping up all over at alarming rates. Some people don't like them, however they are running out of places to eat as everyone is establishing the buffet knowing how popular it is.
Not only that, but I feel there is a very compassionate group of sympathizers within the alien organization that eating fatty humans is unhealthy or wrong, so they are going behind the other aliens back and establishing fitness clubs. Notice how fitness clubs are getting more popular lately? DIRECT CORRELATION WITH BUFFETS.
Now, I only assume that the fitness clubs are trying to create a more "natural human", but I could be wrong and they are honestly just trying to save us from gestation.
However way you look at it, there is no way anyone can disprove my theory, thus it can only be very possible.

What a Flipping Week

I have been busy as heck for over a week now. First, allergies. Then, one thing after another that I won't bore you.

But today, my mom almost made me wet myself.

She came in my office today bragging how she got fine china off Ebay for a cheap price. It appears she got it for $180, and it retails for $350. She is going nutso how cool Ebay is and how hip she is with it.

She comes in my office in the afternoon, she is not happy. She starts off with "I have done something really stupid", which I did say "Oh, what's new", to which she replies, "NO, REALLY, something REALLY STUPID." That's when I know I should call my wife and put it on speaker phone because theres something magical about when parents come to their kids for help when they do something stupid! I mean, I used to go to them...and now they come to us! MWUHAHAHAHA!

Well, it seems she didn't pay attention to the auction, as it listed the currency in British Pounds! Well, according to the online currency exchange, 150 GBP is $275.00. True, that's still cheap, but the overseas shipping will set that off! So she is freaking out to say the least. I have assured her just to say it was a mistake, and the worst the other lady can do is mark her account with a negative mark, which is I think my mothers first mark on her account period, so she'll just get a new email (from me of course) and start all over.

Oh boy, I can't wait till I control her pills, what fun life can be.

Two Years of Research Conclude:

We moved to our new office around about two years ago. It's a nice new office! They stuck me in a private office so they can control me, but yet can observe me through large panes of glass like some circus attraction; I can't pick my nose in privacy which really sucks. We have a big kitchen to enjoy a nice lunch in, huge sales office for those busy days, and huge attic to store many dead bodies in. But best of all, big fat honking toilets instead of those little prissy ones that you are afraid you'll fall off of. These bathroom though have been involved in a two year study done by yours truely, and I have alarming information that nobody will care to read -- but I'm going to write about it anyway.

As with any office, a person can spend an average of 8 hours at one and sooner or later have to stop driving home during lunch to use their own bathroom and finally become comfortable sharing one with other people. I remember the good old days I told my coworkers that I was going home for a "Nooner" when in truth I was just going home to use my bathroom. Well, now I live an average of 20 minutes away, and with gas prices now I can save up to 15% on car insurance by reading Geico ads in the company bathroom.
Anyway, back to my study... Two days per week there is a cleaning crew here. It seems, but some odd twisted fate, those are the exact two days I need the bathrooms right away, as in as soon as I get to work. In the old days I would try to use the ones at home, but with a 3 and 5 year old I get much better private time at work now, which is just not right when you believe a mans' home is his castle.
Look, I even got enough data to assemble this very advance chart to show you -- the reader, how there is a direct correlation with how much more time the cleaning crew needs to finish the office and just how damn bad I gotta go to the bathroom. Numbers don't lie, if I am going into the office at 8:00am and it's one of those two days, and I'm in desperate need, that means I am about to experience some of the longest retaining torture known to mankind. And on the other end, if I really don't need to go, I often catch them walking out the door and already finished!
I will now focus my study on why this direct correlation even exist. I have a theory : they hate me. I think they look out the window and say "Here comes that gringo Joe, and he's walking funny and fast, everyone SLOW DOWN!". However, to prove this I must install some recording equipement inside the office. I guess I could sneak in the back door, but we do have cameras on the parking lot and there's monitors in the front and they could be watching that - hell now that I think about it they are ALWAYS in the front office when I walk in - perhaps I should drive around from the side and surprise them.
Anyway, I will get to work and report back to you all in two years time.
In the mean time, Admit the cleaning crew at your office hate you to!

We Are Under Attack!

It is no longer safe to leave the confines of our house. From at least two sides of our house, we are being invaded, or attacked, we are unsure. My wife or myself (mostly my wife for I am too afraid) must go out every day and arm ourselves with a garden hose or leaf blower, and drive back the hoards of hostile rolley polleys that are trying to destory us.
Yes, I said Rolley Polleys. Small round insects that curl up into a ball when afraid. However, they are far from afraid - they are brave. They are so filled with war-lust they see no logic into their attacks. They evidently roll up into little balls on top of the hill, which is the very back of our yard, and roll down in droves and crash into the side of our house.
Sure, they are small to you - however everyone knows there is strength in numbers! And I kid you not, every day there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of Rolley Polley corpses on our back patio and side Garage. Yes, that's right, we are being attacked from both sides! We don't know what we have done to upset the Rolley Polleys. We have yet to be contacted for any sort of peace negotiations. All we know is that there's only four of us in this house, and so far thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, hell, millions dead, and no clue how many more are forming for another attack.
Actually now that I think about it, I think I know their reasons for war. When we moved into this house two years ago, my daughter took up an interest in bugs, despite her mother's protest. She would collect Rolley Polleys, as they were so 'cute' and rolled into balls. However, she took a great and perverted delight into stomping on them as well, giggling at the sound of the crunch!
That has to be it, my daughter no doubt has smashed some very important Rolley Polley, perhaps the Princess Rolley Polley or Prince. Maybe a Rolley Polley Celebrity. It matters not - it's a fact that she committed genocide, and now they want their revenge.
I have discussed throwing my daughter outside at night, perhaps if we give them what they really want - the Rolly Polly Butcher, they will take her and leave us alone. I don't know how much longer our house will withstand these attacks. I do know if we try to sell it years from now, there will be questions why there is mass graves of Rolley Polley skeletons around the yard, and the house is leaning to one or two sides. I am positive that structural damage caused by Rolley Polleys isn't covered in my Insurance either.
Honestly, it's a hard decision. A house is a very important investment. A daughter was easy and fun to make, and I am sure I could remember how I did it and just make another.
War never solved anything. Sigh. Discuss it up, in the forums!

I am trying to Eradicate my Curse

I go on about my curse every now and then, the one about all the weird bad luck things that happen to me. Well, I have taken a step to try and prevent this from happening. First off, let me say I hate Blockbuster. They are some greedy aggrivating sombitches and I refuse to rent videos from them when there is Hollywood Video that lets you rent ANYTHING for five freaking days. I mean honestly, when I rent a movie I need two hours to watch it, then 3-4 days to procrastinate returning it - this isn't a difficult concept to understand.
However, I hate Hollywood Video. Or do I, I actually think I hate my luck with Hollywood Video. Every two months I get a call from them, saying I have such and such movie checked out. Every single time they do this I have to call the Manager and tell them I returned it, it's a mistake. You know, they used to always argue with me and such, but ultimately they realized I have nothing better to do than bitch and moan and not authorize them to charge me for it on my card.
Things have gotten better though. You may think "oh they don't lose your movies now?", and I would have to say you are wrong. It happens just as much as before, but now when I call the manager won't put up a fight anymore, he will just note my account and such.
But just to be safe, I walked into Hollywood last night with my movies. I called the Manager over, who had four customers in line with only one employee. I told him I wanted to show him something very interesting, and I had his full attention, and some of the customers as well.
I laid out all four movies, then slowly but articulately opened all four so that he could see I had three DVD boxes with a DVD in them and one VHS box with a movie in it. I asked him what he thinks he is looking at. Of course, he is stumped, but he does figure it out. "I see you rented three DVDs and a cassette movie..."
I cut him off, "Yes, that's right, and notice how they are all in here"
"Yes"
Great, now we are on the same page. I explain to him who I am, and I think I saw a light of recognition in his eyes, as we had a little talk two weeks ago about a missing DVD "Thumbalina" which they waited over a MONTH to talk to me about. So I think he's figured me out, so I sum it up, and tell him when he calls me in about a month or so to claim I didn't return one of these movies, I'm sure he will remember me opening them up and showing them to him (and got the name of his co-worker there). He picks up the movies and scans them in right there in front of me, and said I should drop them off up front like everyone else and just make sure they get scanned.
And how am I supposed to do that I wonder. Do I drop them in the slot, then bend over and lift the little door and scream "HEY YOU! YOU IN THERE! SCAN MY MOVIES! SCAN MY MOVIES NOOOOOOOOW!" then press my face up against the glass and watch ? I'm sure they would appreciate that. I bet I could press my mouth upon the glass and do a bitching blowfish impression to.
[url=http://www.crazyjoe.us/forums/index.php?act=ST&f=1&t=458]Anyway folks place your bets - how much you say they call me in a month or so?[/url]

Gas Station Stolen!

Gas Station StolenSan Antonio, Tx
In an alarming turn of events for the crime stricken area on the cities north-east side, police were called to investigate what is believed to be the first case of Grand Theft Gas Station.

The pumps and signs remain, but the Gas Station is gone

At approximately 6:47am this past Thursday morning, motorist Jonathan Glaxburn pulled into the familiar station to get gasoline and a coffee, as he normally has done for the past four years at the same station. He went into what he believed was the store to hand over his credit card, but he soon realized his difficulty in finding the counter clerk was due to the fact that the counter was missing. "Normally I walk in, and the counter is on the left; I hand them my card and go gas up, but today I kept looking around, and where I normally see a wall of smokes and the clerk was now a clear view of an apartment complex" says Glaxburn.

Police dispatch were reluctant to send officers to the scene - it was believed to be a hoax when they received the call from Glaxburn that the Conoco gas station was missing. After receiving three more calls from confused patrons, a unit was finally sent over. They found several motorist walking around bewildered and confused where once a familiar large red building stood.

"You know, we get all sorts of prank calls, but when I drove up to the empty lot where a Conoco station was located on Thousands Oaks and Weidner, I wasn't laughing anymore" stated Officer Doyle. "I searched around the area for it, as most of the juvenile thieves in the area steal for the fun of it, and dump whatever they got off a block away. However, there was no sight of the Gas Station." Other officers were called in to aide in the investigation, all astounded to the situation upon arrival.

"As I drove up from the side, I noticed I could see Taco Bell, which was all wrong! I normally would see the large Ice Box and gang graffiti" Stated Officer Rudy Norton. So far the investigation goes slowly, the police will be issuing a sketch of the missing Gas Station by the end of the week. They assure that this is clearly a theft, as gas stations have never before been misplaced.

Where was once a view of offensive gang graffiti, now Taco Bell can be seen.

The Sniff Test

So my wife left me for three weeks, off to Poland to be with her family. I got stuck with one of the kids, while my Mother in Law took the other.

I did learn quite a few things whlie she was gone. I can't make peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches with that Mothers' Touch. 8:30am Traffic on the north side of town sucks. You can't get any work down with a 3 year old without any pants on running around the office. But most of all, I learned how how to use our new washer and dryer. However, in the process I learned more about myself...I am a panty sniffer. Read more about it here!

Important Oscar Revalation

I don't watch the Oscars. Actually, when I did in years past I only watched because I heard Billy Crystal was funny. Well this year I took a brief look and made a very scary Revalation that I want to document now before someone steals my discovery and tries to patent it.

Billy Crystal is turning into Christopher Walken. I estimate complete Metamophasis within 7 years.

I don't know what he hopes to get from this, I just know that the world can always use another Christopher Walken.

You can always discuss it in my forums if you have nother better to do with your life.

A Trip to the Vet

Another incident that happened while I was on vacation is Jasmine needed surgery, she got a nasty rip on her leg. Well, today we had to go to the vet to get some staples out. Easier said than done.

The Curse

Folks that know me often hear me babble about my "Curse". It's not one that involves pianos from the sky or badgers in my trousers, but just really odd things that happen to nobody else....but me. There's so many examples that I honestly can't think of one off the top of my head right now, but the latest example was on my vacation this past week.

Read On....

My daughter has my Curse

I have a curse, I'm prone to some sort of bad luck. It's not bad luck as in Anvils fall on me, or I get in car wrecks. It's odd bad luck - things that normally won't happen to anyone will happen to me. When I met my wife, I told her this and she didn't believe it. After several years, she believes it fully, and I often here "This only happens because it's YOU, Joe"
So how do I know my daughter has it? She has been in perfect health for weeks. Even when me and my son had bad allergies, she was fine. Today she woke up at 2am with a 104.6 fever....and today she turned 5.
What a rotten way to spend your birthday if you ask me...I mean, after you're..what...16, who cares if you're sick on your birthday? Well...I guess 21. But cmon, you only turn 5 once, and she's sick.
So I snuck out of work and took her presents home during lunch (big ol' box of Legos) so she could do something till we get home and stare at the cupcakes that were supposed to go with her to school today - where she would have worn a crown and everyone sing to her.

What a stink.

And knowing the Curse - she will be fine tomorow. Read more about it if you like.

The Stuff that Memories are Made Of

Did you ever have one night when you broke all the rules when you were a kid? If not, you were deprived. If you have kids now, make sure to give them that experience - it only is good when you're young. I know we enjoyed it.
One a side note, I see no reason why any organization should protect Ragweed. It's a hideous plant that serves no purpose but to cause me and countless others to suffer for weeks while it flowers. Write your duely elected representative to form a Ragweed Eradication Task Force. Hurry, before I run out of Kleenex.

Go Nuts!

One of my other odd hobbies & interest is writing. I love "The Onion", and I'm a pretty avid reader of it. Sometimes every now and then I get a hair up my nose and an idea, and do some writing of my own. Well, here's one I did around 3 a.m. this week. It's rough - but hey, it was 3 A.M. Snapping is the best thing that ever happened to me. . Hopefully, I'll get some more hairs up my nose and write some more.

A Sure Fire to Meet Women!

You know, I was never the extroverted/social type. It's amazing I actually even found a woman to date, and even mindblowing she married me. But even so, I discovered a way to reel in the women. Even though its a few years late for me, I hope to spread the word to help other Single Men. Read Here!
(Patent Pending)