May 24, 2004
Bush's Little Wars
My name is Micheal Von Starlight the II, but you can call me the savior of the Human Race. I have been in this bunker, underground, for I think now around 14 years. I have been down here ever since the Americans have decided to stick their noses into places they don't belong, and I knew back then they would piss off the wrong fanatics somewhere, and the bomb is going to drop.
Well, it's been 14 years, but I haven't seen nor heard of the bomb. However, my ex government is still making enemies, and I still believe it's a matter of time till that day comes.
And when it comes, I will already have the experience from the past 14 years to remain in my bunker for another 15-30 years, leaving me unscalthed from radiation, malnutrition, and decapitation. I will be the prime speciman to help rebuild our once great nation, and will be remembered by those after me as a great hero, maybe savior! With such a great destiny ahead, I don't fucking care how long our President decides to stay in Iraq. Hell, the longer he stays there, the more pissed off those wackos get, and the more likely the bombs on the way. And it if is now, why, I am ready! I have just received shipment of 35,000 cans of fruits and vegetables, 10,000 more cans of Spam, and over 5,000 gallons of water secured in our underground storage facility. Now, I have resealed our entry to the topside so that not only will the horrible mutants and savage wasteland rioters get to us, but also the Credit Card company can't find me when they realize I took advantage of their good faith and purchased all these supplies.
So anyway, here I sit in my Bunker, awaiting my destiny. You all may be afraid on who the President is pissing off, but you shouldn't. You all day one day, how you die is what is important! Or better, how you live. So enjoy what few days you have left, and keep in mind those that survive the holocaust will look to me to rebuild civilization!
May 18, 2004
Gas Prices
Hi, I'm Ritchie, and I am...well, I don't know how old I am. I lack the simple concept of time, as you can very well guess since I am a baby and all. I also can't communicate well with anyone, walk upright, or boil some water to heat my own bottle. As a baby, I pretty much can't do anything but eat, sleep, and shit.
With that said, why the hell is that woman driving around all over town looking for the lowest prices in gas, when she should very well know I shat myself quite some time ago, and I need changing?! I may be new to this world and don't know much, but I do know it's disgusting as hell to be sitting in ones own feces. We were supposed to leave the store, get gas, and go home. But no! She's bitching and moaning about paying $2.00 a gallon for gas and is determined to go find it cheaper elsewhere.
Meanwhile, the rash on my ass is getting worse, the smell is overwhelming, and I sure as hell don't fucking care if it cost $5.00 a gallon, I want my diaper changed NOW, dammit.
To add insult to injury, she tries to shut me up with a bottle! Oh great, not only have I totally emptied myself of everything and I had in me, let’s down some more food so I can doubleshit myself. I swear, I am suffering all because she won't put gas in the damn car and go home. I can't wait till the day she's in the back of the car, and I'm the one depriving her of some basic human dignity all for finding the cheaper gas station.
Bitch